Trapped

My piece is about a woman who feels she has no life left of her own, no escape and no time to herself. She is trapped in her mind, afraid to say no or say how she feels, to release the tension building up in her. Always accommodating others and never herself.

 

I stared across the river, the water was deathly still, the flat grey surface motionless as though frozen in time. Grey clouds were above me darkening ready to spit out droplets of rain any moment and the stale stench of traffic hung in the air. The greyness of the water and the clouds above matched my thunderous mood, as did the coldness in the air, freezing me from my core. I couldn’t move, just standing there staring at the water wondering what was hidden below the depths in the blackness below. I had to shake this off, I had too much to do, I thought a walk along here would help bring me out of my mood not worsen it.

I headed back into the city, everything was grey and polluted, the buildings stood tall above me with smoke stained granite and the people passing me shoved and bumped me passing me their frustrations and tensions. I couldn’t bear it anymore, I moved quickly, heading for the side streets to avoid them. I had too much to do, pickup games for James, and pick up tea for Gemma and then meet dad for a coffee whilst he was in town. Then I had to head home, another list, finish sewing for mum, clean the house and make tea for that evening. At least tomorrow I had work, that at least I get paid for. I may get an hour to sit and study this evening before I sleep. Oh I shouldn’t have thought it now something else will crop up, ‘stupid girl, stupid, stupid girl.’ I know the rule, if I want it to happen I have to not allow myself to think it, say it or write it down, otherwise something will come along to spoil it. When will I learn?

I made my way to the coffee house above the book store just as the sky opened up, laden down with bags ( none of which were mine ) and wet through I walked in trying to shake off the excess water so as not to make a mess in the shop. I head past the book shelves and the lucky shoppers who had time to browse in the endless dream worlds and fantasies surrounding me. When was the last time I had time to pick up a book and read it I wondered to myself? I shook my head, I couldn’t even remember, I was lucky if I managed half a movie before my eyes succumbed to sleep.

I order a gingerbread latte and head to the edge of the seating area to grab a table so I can view the shoppers whilst I wait, five minutes of spicy tingling warmth and voyeurism before dad was due a luxury. ‘Oh I thought about it, damn.’ Just as I eye a seat, a group of students walk right into me, knocking my coffee out of my hands and covering me in the spicy stains. My new coat, shit, six months of saving down the drain. I close my eyes, “You bastards, not even my coffee, my coat, not one five minutes of peace! Bastards!” my head screams the words whilst my lips stay firmly shut. They don’t even look back. Walking away laughing at the stupid girl.

A sharp beep brings me back from evil thoughts of revenge and I blush, karma will get you girl I think. The text is from dad, “Sorry sweetie caught up, will pop up later for a quick cuppa”. Damn there goes my hour of study, see karma gets you every time, you had thought evil thoughts now you loose your pleasure. I wipe myself off and clean up the mess and head back out into the pouring rain.

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